Thursday, August 20, 2009

Air Travel: New Rules

Consideration: What A Concept!

After flying RT across the US this weekend I decided I would like to create my own set of "New Rules" for air travel. My apologies to Bill Maher whose HBO concept I am shamelessly ripping off.

Herewith are Roadboy's New Rules:

1. If you are short - do not even think of sitting In an exit row!

If you do the hate rays you get from every person over 6' 2" walking by you are real. I will translate what they are mouthing as they walk by you "I would like to feed you to a wood chipper".

2. If you bring a big green burrito on board without first eating three tabs of Bean-O, the rest of the passengers have the right to perform surgery on you using plastic utensils without anesthesia.

Option 2: Sit in row 30 next to the odor masking Magic Blue Water!

3. If you need two seat belt extenders or need to raise the armrest to fit in your seat consider buying an extra seat, upgrading to first, taking a train, or walking (seriously it would do you some good). Anytime I see Jaba and the little Hutts coming down the aisle, I cringe till they pass my row.

4. If you sleep, do not drool on your neighbor.

5. If you bring animals, they must stay in the crate. The St. Bernard "Service Dog" scam is getting old.

6. If you are in Zone 2 or above, don't hide your zone number and crowd the entrance podium. You know who you are.

7. If you have consumed a liter or more of Dasani, hit the loo BEFORE climbing into your window seat.

8. Any travel day must start with a shower deodorant and Selsun Blue.

If hygiene "ain't your thing", then drive! I mean really, think about it! In your own truck you can roll down your windows, toss your empties in the back, and take along "Lumpy" your pet boa constrictor!

9. If I can lip synch the music coming out of your I-pod, it is too damned loud. I SAID "IF I CAN......."

10. Whoever sits in the middle seat OWNS both arm rests.

11. If you buy some bizarre shaped or delicate gift (an 11' long hickory walking stick), fedex it home.

Don't go getting all weird when someone actually puts a suitcase in the same bin with your new "Objet d'Art". News flash, if your precious artwork has any kids or animals with big eyes, is painted on velvet, or if you think anything by that "painter of light" guy, qualifies as art, believe me it is better smashed up and left on the plane anyway.

Other than stinky feet at the X-ray machine, I think we've got most of the bases covered!

Happy Landings!

Roadboy's Travel's © 2009

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